


Is it me or is it you?

by pseudofoucault333



Series: I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds [1]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bondage, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Mother Complex, Non Consensual, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-05
Updated: 2012-11-01
Packaged: 2017-11-11 12:35:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/478608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudofoucault333/pseuds/pseudofoucault333
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard and Lyn-z have just got married and Gerard’s behavior is scaring the other lover in his life, but will Frank be able to make Gerard see what Lyn-z has made him become?</p><p>Written '07 & Unbeta'd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're the one I chose to feed me pain

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so, this was written in '07 around the time that people were speculating about Gee & Lyn-z's marriage...before little Bandit was born. I am and will always be happy for their marriage, because it makes Gee happy and as a Fan whatever makes him happy makes me happy. But this was one of those pieces I _needed_ to write at the time. It's a piece of fiction not fact so please keep that in mind. And please remember there is implied Non-Con, especially in this chapter, so if that makes you cringe here's your warning now. If you don't wanna continue because of that no probs, I won't take it personally :) xo

**Title:** Is it me or is it you?  
 **Author:** **lovin_torture**  
 **Rating:** R [Mentions of drug use, rape and Violence]  
 **Pairing:** Ferard, Gerard/Lyn-z, Mikey/Alicia [mentioned]  
 **POV:** Frank  
 **Summary:** Gerard and Lyn-z have just got married and Gerard’s behavior is scarying the other lover in his life, but will Frank be able to make Gerard see what Lyn-z has made him become?  
 **Disclaimer:** If this is real I would be majorly surprised. Title © Smile Empty soul  
 **Author Notes:** A little idea that came to mind while listening to music and thinking of Gerard’s marriage….don’t ask. But yes before you bitch it is Ferard based. Concrit appreciated and Comments = Ferard  <3

It had been two months since Gerard had got married to Lyn-z at the end of the Projekt Revolution tour. And none of us had been there. Mikey refused to talk about it and neither would Bob or even Ray and he’d been the only one of us who’d been there. Some part of me wondered if they talked about it behind my back. Knowing the relationship Gerard and me had had before Lyn-z became the significant other. I tried not to let it bother me; I’m fairly certain it didn’t bother Gerard. Though things with Gerard, with the band in general seemed to go down hill.

The others often left when Gerard arrived with Lyn-z. Even Alicia who is the nicest person in the whole world, who normally says hi to everyone whether girlfriend of another band member or not, wouldn’t talk to her brother in law or new sister in law. It made me nervous. I would keep my head down and ignore Gerard when he called after me, following the others and flinching when I heard him cursing to Lyn-z after we’d left the room.

To be honest I didn’t know what else I could do. Mikey had tried to talk to him and come back with a black eye. The rest of us had learned from example and steered clear ever since. We were trying to do the whole strength in numbers thing that you’re always taught in school, but when it’s the four of us against Gerard and his new wife…. it feels like you’re taking sides. I have never been one of those people if I can help it. Though as things got worse Mikey began to speak of the unspeakable.

“I think we should get another singer.”

My eyes widened as I looked up from my guitar, which I’d been playing to distract myself for the past half hour. Another singer? Was he kidding? Did he really want to replace his own brother?

“I agree.”

I heard Ray murmur and turned my gaze from Mikey and Alicia sat on the couch to Ray sat on the kitchen counter. I then looked quickly at Bob whose gaze moved to the floor as he nodded in agreement.

“Frank?”

I swallowed when Mikey said my name and reluctantly looked back at him and Alicia, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew it was best for the band, for us to be able to actually record again, to actually work again let alone be in the same room as our singer again. But the feeling of betrayal refused to leave my stomach.

“No.”

I said it before I’ve thought my argument through properly and saw Mikey frown and open his mouth in protest when Alicia put her hand on Mikey’s arm to stop him.

“Mikey, let Frank explain. I’m sure he has a good reason.” She said in a hushed voice, her gaze meeting with Mikey’s for a moment. He sighed and reluctantly gave his wife a small smile before looking back at me.

“Why do you say that Frank?” 

I kept my gaze on Mikey’s face though felt Bob and Ray edging towards the couch, obviously curious what my reason was going to be. I tried to gather together what bits of thought I’d had before Alicia had interrupted my concentration and soon came up with something I was sure would surprise them.

“Well think about it. There must be a logical reason Gerard is acting this strange. Remember before…he used to act so erratic…so out there when he was hooked on drugs. Maybe if one of us talks to Gerard we can get to the bottom of it?” I said, looking up down and the line before me, from Bob to Alicia and back again.

“I’ve already tried talking to him Frank, he won’t listen. Not while _she’s_ around. It’s like she has some kind of spell over him,” sighed Mikey, rubbing his slowly healing black eye, though under the make up he was wearing you could barely tell it was there.

“Maybe I should try.” I suggested, and watched a look of uncertainty be exchanged between the three guys though Alicia’s expression remained unchanged. She was watching me carefully like she could understand my reasoning.

“I can always distract Lyn-z with some girl chat.” She suggested, looking from me to Mikey whose expression seemed to shift from uncertainty to just plain disbelief.

“No. I’m not leaving you alone with her Ali.”

“Mikey she isn’t a serial killer, she’s a bassist in love with your brother. I should in the very least make the effort to get to know the other Mrs. Way in this family. Even if it’s just this once before we cast her and Gerard out.”

I watched the others flinch at her choice of words and looked down at my guitar, brushing imaginary dust off it with the sleeve of my hoodie. That was what was going to happen if I couldn’t worm the route of Gerard’s behavior out of him. He would be kicked out the band and would go back to New Jersey with Lyn-z, leaving us to look for another singer. And great singers that were up to Gerard’s standard were hard to come by, let alone singers the fans wouldn’t hate and could still sing the old my chem. songs perfectly. That would be a pretty big mission and merely made me all the more determined to make Mikey agree to my idea.

“Frank?”

I looked back at Mikey, my fingers still brushing over the strings on my guitar, yet I could tell he didn’t like what he was about to say.

“How long will you need?” He asked reluctantly, I saw Alicia smile out the corner of my eye and gave bassist/guitarist beside her a smile.

“A couple of hours. That’s all I’m asking for. If anything goes wrong…I’ll just have to deal with him going.” I said with a shrug, though my heart seemed to ache at the thought of the band without Gerard.

“Ok….a couple of hours tonight. Me, Ali and the guys will take Lyn-z out. You try and talk some sense into Gerard, or in the very least an explanation. That sound ok?” he asked, I could tell even though he was agreeing to this plan it didn’t make him like it anymore. Maybe he would rather it was him talking to Gerard? But if what had happened before was anything to go by he would have just ended up with another black eye to match his first.

~~~~~~~

That night I sat on my bed, my back leaned against the headboard as I played my guitar and tried to clear my mind. It was surprising hard to prepare myself for the talk I was going to have with Gerard. Before Lyn-z had got involved all I’d had to worry about with Gerard would be if he left any evidence on my neck or lips for the others to see. Now it was different and I hated it. I missed the old Gerard, missed his kisses, his touch…missed everything about him I’d used to cherish and taken for granted.

I heard a knock at my door and called come in to see Alicia, brushing her black hair out her face when she entered. I gave her a small smile and put my guitar to one side as I hugged my legs to my chest.

“You going to be ok doing this Frank?” she asked quietly, tilting her head like she could read uncertainty with just a look in my eyes. I looked down and nodded silently afraid if I said anything I’d throw up.

“Just wanted to make sure. If anything goes wrong…. just…send me a message saying nine one one ok? Bob and Ray will come to check on you.”

“Ali you worry too much.” I smiled, though I could read concern on her face, like she thought I was someone going willingly into a lion’s pit. Knowing the potential dangers and yet dead set on doing it anyway.

“How can I not worry about you guys? Being the only girl seems to give me a natural mother complex over all of you that I think scares Mikey a little. He probably thinks it’s giving me ideas. But I can’t help myself, I even worry about Gerard…not that he needs it at the moment.” She sighed sitting on the bed by my side.

“You’re worried about him too?” I asked, sitting up a little straighter.

“I’ve been worried about him since he and Lyn-z met at the tour. Things have changed so much since those nights we used to go out just to give you and him the chance to fuck. I bet you still wish it was like that don’t you?” she asked.

“You guys knew?”

“Gerard blurted one night when Mikey and him went drinking. I think it was before me and Mikey tied the knot. Either way Mikey didn’t hesitate to tell me, Bob and Ray that that was what was really going on. I was so happy for you Frank. You and Gerard really made each other happy.”

I looked down at my feet and couldn’t help but blush. They’d known all a long and yet not said a word. Still kept up the charade of drinking every Wednesday just to give Gerard and me the chance to have that time alone. 

I heard Mikey say Alicia’s name from the doorway to my room and felt her gaze on me for a moment before getting up.

“Just remember what I said Frank. Nine one one, and Bob and Ray will come. No matter how bad it is.”

I sighed as I buried my face in my knees when I heard the door close. There was a commotion outside and Lyn-z’s voice seemed to confirm that she was surprised that Alicia wanted to get to know her after they hadn’t spoke for two months. A small smile appeared on my face as I heard Alicia’s excuse; Mikey was really lucky to have her. The door to main suite closed sooner than I expected and then I heard silence.

I gave myself a silent prep talk as I slid off the bed and walk towards the door into my room. The walk to Gerard and Lyn-z’room seemed to take hours instead of minutes thought maybe it was just wishful thinking, it was hard to tell. When I approached the door, I knocked softly and expected an obnoxious yell of piss off but got nothing of the sort.

When I entered cautiously, Gerard was laid on his back on the double bed, staring up at the ceiling looking mystified by something I couldn’t see. There was beer cans and empty vodka bottles all over the floor, the room it self was a mess, covered mostly in _her_ clothing while Gerard’s was sat on top of his duffel bag on a chair. Though as I slowly walked in I could feel some kind of uneasement in the air, the air in the room smelt like smoke only not the usual cigarette smoke I was used to. It smelt like Lyn-z whenever she immerged from hogging the bathroom. 

I frowned as I walked to her side of the bed, the side nearest the door and saw what looked like marijuana, in a half covered tin under Gerard’s wallet. Though as I moved towards Gerard’s side what I saw made my stomach churn. 

Three lines of white powder in perfect rows on the bedside table. A credit card sat beside them to cut the lines in half if needed and a rolled up twenty dollar bill for sniffing…

I nearly fell over backwards when Gerard sat up right, though his expression was vacant and his head tilted slightly to the side when he looked at me. Like he had feeling who I was but he wasn’t sure.

“Gee….er….sorry I didn’t mean to barge in. I was wondering if we could…maybe…. talk…while your missus is out?” I asked carefully.

“Er…. yeah…. sure….”

“…Frank. Remember?” I asked, trying not to seem desperate but it was so hard. The man I was love with, had been in love with for so long had surcome to the dark side again. And this time he had no one else to blame but his so-called wife. The drugs were the reason he’d married her and nothing more.

“Yeah…. sure. Sit down Frank.”

I bit my lip and sat down beside him, watching him pick up the credit card and straighten up one of the lines, cutting it in half and moving the second half back a little. I put my hand on his when it moved to pick up the twenty-dollar bill, his gaze moving to look at me.

“Gee, can we please talk…. without you being all…buzzed up?” I asked cautiously, expecting him to yell and say no. But as his gaze met mine I could see a spark of love still in his eyes for me. Something, which I’d never seen when he was with Lyn-z but then again admittedly I’ve never been around the two long enough to know otherwise.

He put the dollar bill down and his free hand soon grazed against my cheek, a smile on his face when my cheeks flushed a little at his touch. 

“What do you want to talk about Frank?” He asked.

I bit my lip knowing I was going to regret this and yet I couldn’t stop myself from doing the plan. If I didn’t come up with any answers for Mikey then Gerard…. would be gone before I could even tell him how much I loved him.  
I could feel his gaze still on my face and yet I couldn’t do it, the drugs would make him unbalanced. Maybe I should try something else…. do something else before I tried to ask him about his drugs. About why he’d married Ly-z. About how he was tearing the band apart.

My gaze moved from his to his lips, my hand brushing his cheek and across his jaw line before I dared to let myself do what I had been craving for hours, days, weeks…. ever since I was told the truth about Gerard getting married.

My lips grazed against his softly, his body seemed to tense for a little before his lips reacted against my own, tilting his head and sucking at my lip. My arms moved around his neck as my chest brushed against his torso and despite how vacant he seemed on the outside at that moment when our lips touched, he seemed to finally come alive again. He seemed to still be that Gerard that had seemed to live for those Wednesday nights we had alone, would be stripping me of my clothes before I could even get my breath back from our kisses. 

“No…”

The word was muffled against my lips as he pulled back in record timing, my heart racing and sinking at the same time.

“Gee….”

He wouldn’t look at me. Like it hurt him so much, that from that one kiss he knew how much I wanted and needed him. But he sighed as he got to his feet.

“I’m married Frank. I promised Lyn-z….”

I frowned when he stopped in mid sentence.

“You promised her what Gerard?”

He reluctantly looked at me again and swallowed, the glazed distant look in his eyes gone, filled with remorse, pain and a slowly building anger. A warning sign to anyone with half a brain. But me. I was in the presence of the one man I loved. I deserved an explanation.

“I….I promised her…if I married her. I’d only…sleep with and…. kiss her.”

Those words seemed to make something in my heart ache. I could feel it being ripped apart in my chest but tried no to let it show as I looked down at the ground. I knew I should make a fuss, tell him I was the one he’d been with first; I was the one he’d dumped Eliza for…. I was the one he’d confessed to wanting everytime we were recording. Me, not Lyn-z. But I didn’t. I merely nodded.

“Frank…. please don’t…. don’t look at me like that.”

“Look like what?”

“Like your heart is breaking. Like I’ve just said the worst thing possible. If only things were different, Frank, if you only understood….”

“Oh yeah that’s right. You need Lyn-z in your bed, your need Lyn-z’ kisses. Don’t make me laugh Gerard you need her for your drugs.”

His jaw clenched and my nerve seemed to be slowly leaving me, making something tell me I’d gone a bit too far. That I should have just left when he’d turned me down. But I hadn’t. Because I was so stupid. Because I wanted to be in his presence more before Mikey and management kicked him back to New Jersey once and for all.

“That’s why you’ve been so strange isn’t it? That’s why you hit Mikey …. because he found out. And wanted you to get help.” I said quietly.

“I don’t need help! I’m fine! Lyn-z says it’s normal to need something as a pick me up, for god’s sake why can’t you guys just get off my back and leave me and Lyn-z alone?!” he yelled pacing back and forth.

“We care about you. That’s why. You don’t seem to understand what’s going on with the band Gerard. They want to replace you! And it’s all LYN-Z’S fault! For hooking you back on that damned drug!”

The sound of slapped skin caused me to swallow, and I felt my cheek stinging as I looked at him. The anger had gone, but for how long? How long until I said something else that made him snap?

“I defended you Gee. I told them there was a reasonable explanation for you behaving like this. That I just needed to talk to you to figure it out. And now that I do…. I wish I had no clue. The Gerard I knew…the Gerard I loved, the Gerard I fucked…. he’s…. nonexistent now. All because of her.” I said quietly, getting to my feet and walking towards the door when I felt his hand on my wrist.

“No he’s not. He’s still here.”

“He isn’t. The Gerard I knew wouldn’t have hit me. Just let me go back to my room, I’ll leave you to get buzzed out your mind again. You probably need it to forget.” 

I reached the door and yet his hand was still around my wrist. When I turned around to look at him his free hand moved over my mouth and he began to pull me back towards the bed. I tried to shake him off but he’d always been so much stronger than me. He maneuvered my body on to the bed with my face stuffed in the pillow. His grip let go of my wrist as he unzipped and slid my jeans down my body. I was trying to get him to stop but he was sat on my torso. His hand slapped my ass when it was in view and yet it wasn’t filled with pleasure just pain. I screwed up my eyes as I heard his jeans being unzipped and a piece of fabric was wrapped around my wrists together to keep me from objecting or getting him to stop.

That was when it began. 

He thrust into me so hard I was crying, tears streaming down my cheeks. My wrists were raw at being rubbed together and I bit my teeth hard into my bottom lip to stop the screams and yells for him to stop, which I knew, would have little effect.

My body was reacting against it’s will to the pain, the harder he thrust into me the more I felt like I was being split in two. His grip on my waist felt like it would leave a bruise. His breathing was coming hoarsely against the back of my neck. The sound of him murmuring my voice wasn’t comforting but merely a reminder that the one I thought I loved, the one I had lost to some drug addict was the one raping me. He soon came and left me tied with my hands above my head for a while as his lips brushed my tail bone, leaving me feeling dirty, used and worthless. 

When he finally let me go, untying my wrists and letting me get up I said nothing. I pulled up my jeans and walked to the door, ignoring the sound of his voice saying my name as I left the room.

When I reached my own room the tears were flowing down my cheeks and I desperately didn’t want to be alone in case he tried something again. I closed the door and blocked it with a chair, letting my jeans fall from my legs as I stepped out of them. I sat on my bed, hugging my legs to my chest and grimacing everytime pain flowed from my ass up my spine. It wasn’t until I heard his voice at the door that I grabbed my cellphone and sent the message to Alicia that I should have sent in the first place.

‘ _911_ ’


	2. Cover me in Gasoline again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The follow through with worried/murderous band members, Alicia and Mikey acting like an adoptive parents and then the morning after.

The sound of the main door to the suite being opened didn’t seem to come soon enough. Tears were still falling freely down my face as I buried my face in my knees. The pain that had come from Gerard’s invasion on my body was slowly numbing and yet it didn’t help me forget it. Forget what he’d done. 

“FRANK! Frank are you ok?”

I heard Bob’s voice outside the front door of my room and tried to assure myself I had done the right thing by asking Alicia to make him and Ray come back earlier. I could hear Ray pulling Gerard away from the door and the door handle being turned as Bob tried to get inside.

“Just…. just give me a moment.” 

I got off the bed and slowly walked towards the door, brushing the tears from my cheeks away. I bit my lip to calm myself down a little before sliding the chair away from the door and opening the door a jar a little so only my face was visible. Bob’s eyes went wide at the state of my face and I looked down at the ground as I heard Ray murmur ‘Jesus Christ!’ behind him.

“Frank…. do you want me to call Alicia and Mikey? I think we need to have a talk about what happened.” 

I heard the last line being directed at Gerard and swallowed as I reluctantly nodded at Bob’s question. I could hear Gerard saying my name, trying to get me to look at him. But after what he’d done to me I couldn’t look at his face let alone meet his gaze. It was too painful. I backed myself into my room as I heard someone pushing someone else on to a couch and the sound of Bob’s voice on the phone to Alicia. 

My body finally seemed to give out from all the pain and heartache; I only just managed to sit against the bottom of my bed before I blacked out. 

When I woke up I was laid in my bed and Alicia was sat beside me, whispering to someone behind her until that someone said I was awake and she turned to look at me.

“Hey Frank, you feeling ok?” she asked, taking an ice pack from the dresser beside the bed and pressing it to my cheek, probably the spot where Gerard had slapped me, though I had no idea that it would have left such a bad mark.

I nodded silently, putting my hand over hers on the ice pack and giving her a weak smile when her hand moved from the ice pack to rest on the hand on her shoulder. I kept my gaze on the crappy pattern of the hotel blanket as I heard Mikey’s voice speaking.

“…Want to tell us what happened Frank?” 

“Maybe not now Mikey…. He’s still in shock…” Alicia said, giving Mikey a look which I'd never seen on her face before. It spoke of a lack of sensitivity, but Mikey didn't avoid her gaze. 

“Ali…. now is better…. before he forgets something…” He said quietly, brushing some hair out her face as their gazes met like they were silently having a conversation. 

“Look, I love you guys and all but can you please not talk like I’m not here?” I asked, reluctantly looking up as the couple before me, their gaze and attention back on me.

“Sorry Frank. So you want to tell us now or later…. it’s up to you,” said Alicia quietly; taking a glance at Mikey out the corner of her eye in case he objected again but he merely gave me a small smile of assurance.

“No…not now. Have you spoken to Gerard?” I asked, saying his name hurt like hell and yet I knew the sooner I got back to normal the sooner I could forget this had ever happened.

“He’s still buzzed out in his room. Lyn-z had a fit when she found out you’d gone into their room. Gerard wasn’t much help…. He didn’t tell her to stop insulting you…. he didn’t do anything. Just sat there…with Ray pinning him by the shoulder to the headboard while we tried to get him to talk.” said Mikey, though I could hear something that sounded close to disgust and bitterness in his voice.

“Have…you called our manager?” I asked quietly, my numbing fingers on the ice pack attempting to tighten my grip on it a little but they felt so detached that it didn’t seem worth it. I felt Mikey and Alicia’s gaze move from me to each other and knew that they were trying to think of how to speak to me about what was going to happen next.

“Guys?” I asked, reluctantly looking up from the blanket to them.

“We didn't have much choice. He can’t actually come and figure things out yet. He just asked us to keep Gerard and Lyn-z separate for the moment, which is becoming quite a mission. While Gerard doesn’t seem that bothered Lyn-z doesn’t like being away from him.” said Mikey sitting on the bed beside Alicia.

I bit my lip and nodded silently as I looked down, pressing the ice pack closer to my cheek with the palm of my hand since I lost all grip feeling in my fingers. I knew that it probably best to tell them what had happened with Gerard. Best to get it over with.

“I found out what’s wrong with Gerard.” 

The couple beside me both fixed their gazes on my face as I finally took the ice pack from my numb face and put it back on the dresser. As I thought about what had happened I could feel the hurt and tears gathering in the backs of my eyes.

“Take your time Frank.” Alicia said quietly, as my gaze moved to my hands in my lap, trying to focus on something but the pain I was going to inflict on myself, worse than what Gerard had caused.

“He’s gone back to drugs. I saw cocaine and marijuana in their room. I…we talked for a while….” I could hear the words we’d spoke echoing in my ears, feel his kiss on my lips before he pulled back as if in denial but I didn’t mention that to Alicia or Mikey. I didn’t want them to know how despite the pain he’d caused Gerard still had an effect on me. 

“He told me he promised to only be with Lyn-z…. I got a bit over the top. Told him he only needed Lyn-z for Drugs. I asked if the drugs were the reason he hit you Mikey, he ranted about wanting to be left alone. That he didn’t need any help with his drug problem.” My voice broke at that last word and I swallowed, brushing a tear away when it ran from the corner of my eye down my cheek. I tried to keep myself calm and pull myself back to normal before looking from Mikey to Alicia.

“I told him he was going to be pushed out the band if he wasn’t careful, blamed Lyn-z for getting him back into drugs…. that was when he slapped me.”  
My bruised cheek tingled at the memory and I bit my lip as the sound of slapped skin echoed in my mind, another tear falling down my cheek, only this time I let it fall.

“It’s ok Frank…you’re doing well.” whispered Alicia, I felt her pushing a tissue into my hand that had feeling in it and gave her a small smile as I crumpled the tissue up in my fingers and used it to wipe the tear away as it rested on my lips.

“I…. I told him I’d defended him. That now I knewabout his problem I wished I didn’t…. that I…. that he’d changed into a Gerard I didn’t know anymore. Different to the one I used to love…He tried to convince me otherwise. Tried to explain when he pulled me back by the wrist.” My hand without the tissue rubbed at my bruised wrist from his tight grip, grimacing a little at the injury he’d left on my wrist from what he’d done after.

“I told him if he hadn’t changed then he wouldn’t have hit me. Told him to let me go back to my room. But he wouldn’t let me go.”

My eyes closed as what happened after those last words passed before my closed eyelids and a shudder ran through my body. Pain flowed up my back from the sudden movement and only Mikey’s voice made me open my eyes.

“Did he rape you?”

I looked down, I couldn’t bear to look into Mikey’s face and tell him that his brother had raped me. Had made me feel so vulnerable and worthless. Yet he seemed to take my silence at confirmation of the worst. I heard Alicia murmur something to Mikey and then there was one less person on the bed. I glanced up in time to see Mikey’s back retreating out the door.

“He’s just gone to talk to your manager. Apparently what you’ve told him changes everything. It’s ok though Frank, this isn’t you’re fault.” Alicia assured quietly, taking the tissue from my hand and brushing a few more tears away like I was her child instead of a fellow band member of her husband’s. I was surprised at how comforting it felt but I kept my gaze from meeting hers again.

“You should get some rest Frank, I’ll make sure Mikey doesn’t wake you up until later.”

Her body soon got up from the bed and I slid under the covers without any objection, curling up on my side as she turned the light off. Though I tried I couldn’t get to sleep, I stared into the darkness, wondering whether I had done the right thing by telling the truth. When my eyes finally seemed to submit to the need for sleep I heard what sounded like someone being punched and a woman yelling frantically, a tone of denial in her voice. My eyes opened automatically as I heard the doorknob rattling and the sound of Alicia's voice in a tone I'd never heard before telling whomever it was to get the hell away from the door. The rattling became more desperate along with the sound of Bob and Ray telling whomever it was to get away from the door. 

My eyes closed again, this time with no interruption though deep inside I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

~~~

When I woke the next morning pain was still flowing through my body, mixed with a sense of uncertainty and confusion. It was like my sub conscious had been trying to convince myself it had been a dream while I’d been sleeping. 

If only.

My body ached a little as I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair as I tried to bring myself back to reality when the door opened and my eyes widened at who it was.

He looked awful. His long black hair looked greasy and a mess, like he hadn’t bothered to brush it that morning. He was dressed in the same clothes I’d seen him in the night before, He’d probably pulled them back on before following me and sitting outside my room when Ray and Bob appeared. His skin was paler than normal, his eyes bloodshot and he looked like he was on a detox of some kind. But what seemed to surprise me even more was the look on his face. No anger, no sadness or bitterness. Just acceptance and, maybe to some degree, love. The kind of love we had used to share before he became so hell bent on having someone he could actually marry.

“You’re awake.” 

His voice sounded awful, and I inwardly grimaced at how awful it would be for him to attempt sing while his voice was like that. 

“I just woke up…. yeah. Where’s Mikey and the others?” I asked, pulling my sheets up to my chin to stop Gerard’s gaze from moving over my bare chest.

“Here and there. Ali and Mikey are taking Lyn-z to the airport; Bob and Ray have gone to meet up with our manager. He’s supposed to be coming back with them.”

My mind seemed so stuck on the fact that Lyn-z was on her way to her airport that I almost didn’t hear the rest.

“Wait….Lyn-z is going to the airport?” As I spoke those words, that was when I noticed the lack of the wedding band on his finger. For a moment I felt my heart leap but it sunk just as soon. That didn't mean they were seperated, he was probably not wearing it to make me feel better.But it only seemed to make me feel worse.

“Yeah, the others seem to think she’s a bad influence on me while on tour. Well that and her own band need her anyway. She’s been avoiding their calls since we got married…. which won’t exactly do wonders for her career.”

I nodded silently and pulled my legs up to my chest as Gerard sat on the bed beside me.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry while I still have the chance. It probably won’t mean much…but I really am.”

As he smiled that was when I noticed the sadness in his eyes and my heart sunk even further down into my stomach.

“What do you mean while you still have the chance?” I whispered.

He shook his head and managed another smile as his hand rested on my cheek, fingers brushing against my skin and yet he didn’t move in for a kiss or anything of the sort. He just sat there, his gaze fixed on my features for a moment. The main door to the suite banged open and Gerard’s eyes widened as he got to his feet.

“I’ve got to go…. I don’t want them to catch me. I’ll talk to you later Frank.”

And with those words he left my room, closing the door behind him as I leaned my back against the headboard, my cheek still tingling from his touch. Only this time it was in a good way.


	3. Is this what you always want me for?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band meeting complete with revelation, Frank being Emo for....reasons and then being kept apart from the love of his life for even more....reasons.

The door to my room soon opened again, this time to the sight of Alicia looking kind of on edge as she pulled some clothes out my duffel bag and told me to get dressed quickly. It was like there was something I was missing. Something that I knew had to do with Gerard and his strange behavior when Mikey and Alicia had come back. 

I waited until she was gone before slowly getting out of bed and ignoring my aching body as I pulled some clothes on. As I walked towards the door I ran my fingers through my hair and paused with my other hand on the door handle for a moment, my gaze on the bruise Gerard had left around my wrist.

I heard Alicia call my name from outside and swallowed as I opened the door, walking cautiously out the room. I hadn’t been out the room since the night before and it felt so strange to me as I entered the lounge.

Gerard was sat curled up in a chair with his legs hugged to his chest and his chin rested on his knees. Mikey and Alicia were sat on the couch with someone in a suit who I recognized to be our manager. Bob and Ray were sat on the floor, though it didn’t take me long to figure out that the others were avoiding Gerard like the plague and it made me sick inside.

I sat in the other chair on the opposite side to Gerard’s and bit my lip as I looked at our manager waiting for him to say something.

“Ok…. so now we’re all here, we have something very important we need to talk about that effects all of you, even if it revolves around juts one member.” 

I knew he was referring to Gerard and I watched his gaze settle on Gerard for a moment before looking back to the rest of us.

“It has come to my attention that one particular band member…. which doesn’t need to be named because I’m sure we all know who he is…. got involved with drugs again…after he promised it would never happen again. Now I know that to some extent his new wife didn’t help him much with that problem, but if you remember correctly Gerard…you made a deal if this would ever happen again.”

I moved my gaze to Gerard, a look of confusion on my face. He’d made a deal if this ever happened again? Did he know he was going to slip up or something? But Gerard refused to meet my gaze or even acknowledge that he knew I was looking at him, instead he kept his gaze on our manager like he was only other person beside himself in the room.

“That is why…. I have booked you into rehab for the next few months.”

My eyes widened and I swallowed back tears as I shook my head silently. No. Gerard going to rehab meant I’d never get to see him. Before I knew it I was out of my chair and walking towards the balcony of the suite, ignoring Alicia and Mikey’s voices as they tried to get me to stop.

I slid the glass doors behind me and sat on the patio, looking over the bars at the street down below. The thought of Gerard in Rehab hurt me more than anything. I mean, sure I wanted him to get better and out of this whole drug thing but there was no telling how long he would have to be in there before he could come out again. Though if I was honest with myself, that wasn’t what was bothering me. It was the not being able to see him. Having no communication with him, knowing that he would be going hell and I would be able to do nothing, absolutely nothing. True that was selfish but is it really classed as selfish if you just want to be able to see the person you love?

I could tell they were still going ahead with the meeting inside but I refused to move, to go back in there and look into Gerard’s face for what could possibly be the last time. What about his career? What would the band do without him while he was in rehab? We were supposed to be doing a world tour and we hadn’t even got so close as LAX yet. 

I heard the doors to the patio open and yet it wasn’t that someone was coming out, more like someone wanted me to still hear what was going on. Keep me in the loop even if I couldn’t bear to look at those faces who were filled with so much understanding and acceptance it was sickening.

“As I was saying…I’ve booked you into a rehab center in San Francisco Gerard. I’ve already made the necessary payments and arrangements, your flight leaves tomorrow from JFK airport.”

“But…. what about the band?” asked Mikey quietly, his voice wasn’t filled with bitterness or disgust anymore, more acceptance that he knew his brother needed to do this.

“I’m canceling all concerts on the world tour, the fans will be given compensation and you guys will be on official hiatus while Gerard works this out alone. You’ll still get paid but maybe it’s better if you guys go your separate ways instead of all flocking back to Jersey.”

“Me and Mikey can go to my parents place in St. Louis.” Assured Alicia.

I heard the rest of them murmuring places they could go to, Bob planning to tag along to Bert and Co’s tour and Ray take a vacation in Hawaii. It was like they were silently leaving me the option to go back to New Jersey if I wanted it. I would probably take it but the question remained for how long? How long before I pushed myself on a flight to San Francisco to try and track down where Gerard was?

“Should we go check on Frank?” asked Mikey, I could feel his gaze on my back but kept my gaze forward, staring at the skyscraper opposite our hotel.

“It’s best we just leave him. It’s a lot to take in after what he’s been through.” said Alicia as I rested my chin on my knees and tried to keep my gaze on New York’s skyline but it was so hard.

“Either way I think it’s best we keep him and Gerard apart until tomorrow.”

The others all murmured in agreement, Gerard didn’t even deny it and that seemed to hurt me more. I could still feel his hand on my cheek, so gentle and yet as I closed my eyes I could see his eyes on my eyelids filled with sadness like he had known that my reaction to him going to Rehab wouldn’t have been a good one.

My stomach growled with hunger and my mind tried to remember when I’d last eaten but came up a blank, I was too distracted with Gerard to even dare to let my mind wander, yet I knew that by starving myself it wasn’t going to make things any easier. It wouldn’t stop Gerard going to San Francisco, wouldn’t stop our plans for the next few months changing and us going on a hiatus that we hadn’t seen happening for another few years at least. 

I ran my fingers through my hair and took one last glance at the view before getting to my feet and walking back into the suite. When I arrived Alicia and Mikey were stood in the kitchen talking amongst themselves, Bob and Ray still sat on the floor but it didn’t take me long to realize that our manager had gone. I could hear Gerard packing in his room and bit my lip. 

As I was about to walk towards his room and try to talk to him Alicia noticed me and hurried towards me in mid word with Mikey to grab my arm. She steered me towards the kitchen, my gaze still pinned through the gap in the door at where Gerard was pushing some jeans into the bag. He seemed to hear the commotion because he looked up and caught my gaze for a moment, giving me a weak smile as he moved towards the door before shutting it.

I sighed and let Alicia push me into a chair at the breakfast bar, which had trays of food on it. Probably a late breakfast, either that or they knew I hadn’t eaten anything since last night. I kept my gaze on the worktop in front of me as Alicia put an empty plate along with knife and fork in front of me. She and Mikey continued to talk in whispers but I could feel her watching me carefully like a child, in case I needed the encouragement to eat. For her benefit only I put some pancakes on to my plate and drowned them with maple syrup, cutting them up and picking at them every so often when I heard her pause before speaking. 

When I’d got through as much as my stomach could handle at that moment which was only about one and a half I put my utensils down and got down from the chair. Alicia froze behind me and I let my gaze take a look at the door to Gerard’s room before walking towards mine. Reaching my room felt like hell, I closed the door quietly and leaned my back against it, tears finally flowing down my cheeks as I sunk to the floor. Clutching my legs to my chest only seemed to make my sobs more breathless and yet I couldn’t stop. 

Despite my sobs I could hear the silence outside the door, the four of them out there listening and knowing this was causing me so much pain, but they were deluding themselves into believing it was in my best interests. What the hell did they know about my best interests anyway?

I finally managed to calm myself down and stare at the ceiling for a while before getting up and walking towards the bathroom for a long over due shower. As I undressed, it was then that I noticed all the damage Gerard had inflicted on me. There were deep bruises on my waist and the ones on my wrist had gone to full black to match my cheek. But those injuries seemed to pale to the one in my chest.


	4. This is how we do it in the murder scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank being the Loner, revealed trouble in paradise, Gerard trying to fix things but not really getting anywhere until a kiss, Gerard asking for the impossible and making things worse which he then tries to fix.

When I’d got dressed I walked back into my room and dressed in boxers and jeans, sitting on my bed and strumming random riffs as I tried to push myself back into my calm state of mind, but it failed to work. Even when Alicia came in with a peace offer in the form of suggesting going around New York for a new guitar. Probably a bribe from her and Mikey to make things all better, but I told her the one I had at the moment was fine. She’d nodded understandingly and told me her and the others were going out, including Gerard which made my stomach sink a little. 

I pushed my gaze back to my guitar before she could catch the look on my face and the next thing I heard was the door to my room closing and murmuring from the others outside. The main door to the suite closed and I sighed as I put my guitar to one side, my creative side seemed to have been sucked out of me and I couldn’t bare it. I even considered just going to a tattoo parlor and picking some mindless tattoo to depict how I was feeling…. just to get that side of me back. But it would have been a waste of ink. 

I leaned my head back against the wall of my room when I heard the main door to the suit open again causing a frown on my face. They couldn’t be back that soon. They’d just left. I got up and went to the door, opening it a little to see Gerard sat on the couch with his face buried in one hand while the other was holding his cell phone to his ear.

“I told you Lyn-z I’m not giving up my career and those were the conditions he made. I need to go to rehab…. there’s no way around it. I know you’re my wife! Yes I’m still… no look Lyn-z you need to stay on tour! You’re not coming back here just to argue with my manager! It’s pointless that’s why! I’m going to San Francisco…. no don’t you even think about it! Lyn-z I just need to do this alone! Please…. just turn your cell phone off…I’ll be turning mine off as soon as you’ve hung up. It won’t be back on until I’m out of…. no I don’t know the number for the rehab center! Goodbye!”

I flinched a little as he hung up and threw the cellphone on to the coffee table, burying his face in both his hands. I was about to close the door and go back to sitting on my bed when I heard Gerard sigh.

“I’m probably going to regret saying this…but…. can we talk Frank?”

I opened the door a little more as Gerard pulled his face out his hands and looked up at me, running his fingers through his hair as he leaned back against the couch.

“Talk? About what?” I asked, not moving from the doorway but standing and watching him as he tilted his head.

“About me…. going to rehab…. and your reaction.”

“I’d rather not,” I sighed, reluctantly walking out my room but going towards the kitchen instead of to him. He sighed and I heard him getting up and following me as I rummaged through the mini bar for some drink that would give me a satisfying buzz.

“Frank….I saw the look on your face. You looked like you were about to cry, like you couldn’t believe it. But can you really imagine us trying to keep touring while I get buzzed every night?” he asked, trying to make this as easy for me as possible. Like that was going to make my heart stop breaking.

“I suppose not,” I said quietly, settling on a small bottle of Jack Daniels and closing the door to the mini bar. 

“You really don’t want me to go to San Francisco do you?” he asked, tilting his head as he watched me open the bottle of Jack Daniels and down a fair swig.

“I should go back to my room…you know since you’re supposed to be staying away for me,” I shrugged, avoiding the question, which not exactly the best strategy but it was definitely as good as I could manage at that moment.

“You heard me agreeing to that? Look, I couldn’t exactly say no to the others in front of our manager. I just have to accept it, just like you do.” 

“I have, don’t worry about it,” I said downing another mouthful of the Jack Daniels and walking out the kitchen back towards my room.

“No you haven’t. Frank, please talk to me while we still have the chance.”

I turned around to look at him and swallowed another mouthful of Jack Daniels, praying that it would numb my mind to the point that I would get so dillusional that I would believe this was just a dream.

“What do we have to talk about Gee? You’re married, you raped me, and you’re going to rehab. I’d say I’ve covered it all in that sentence.”

“How about the kiss? How you looked at me before Ali pulled you away? How I heard you crying in your room?”

“That kiss meant nothing….” 

“You’re lying. I was the other set of lips there Frank and it did. I could feel everything I used to feel before Lyn-z got involved. Everything I want to feel with her but never will.”

I bit my lip as my gaze met his, and his hand grazed mine as he took my bottle from my hand and put it on the counter. His hand rested on my cheek like it had before…. but this time his lips brushed against mine softly as his body maneuvered mine so it was backed up against the edge of the counter, my back arching a little when it dug into the small of my back. My hands rested on his waist pulling him closer and letting myself enjoy the kiss even though part of me was screaming how wrong it was. He was taken, he was _married_ for fuck’s sake and yet I still wanted him desperately, my body still reacting at his touch. It was like I needed therapy of some kind but refused to see it through because I didn’t want to ever get rid of my feelings and need for him.

He soon pulled back and our gazes met as I bit my lip before looking down at the ground which didn’t last long as I felt his index finger under my chin guiding my face back up to meet his gaze again.

“Did that kiss mean nothing?” he asked softly, his thumb brushing under my bottom lip. I seemed to have lost all will to speak and only shook my head in response causing a small smile of satisfaction on his face.

“So we need to talk Frank… I’m going to Rehab tomorrow morning…and this could be the last time we get to talk for a while.” He said quietly, his hands rested either side of my body on the counter to pin me in place.

“So the kiss meant something…. there isn’t anything else to talk about Gee….” I tried again to keep the face of denial and heartlessness on me as I reached for the bottle of jack Daniels when his hand grabbed mine by the wrist causing me to flinch; it was still tender from the last time he’d done such a gesture.

“Why were you crying?”

I swallowed as my hand went limp in his grip and he let go of my hand so I could pull it back towards me, stuffing it into the pocket of my jeans.

“I….I wasn’t crying! What makes you think that?” I asked, with fake disbelief though the look in his eyes stopped me from going any further.

“I heard you and your eyes are still bloodshot. It doesn’t take a scientist to figure that out Frank.”

I looked down at the ground and felt his hand grazing softly over my chest, tracing the tattoos there and causing a chill to run down my spine though I refused to look at him again incase I started to cry again or he could read the reason in my eyes.

“Frank. Please just…. tell me.”

“I’m going to miss you, ok?” I said quietly, making a quick grab for Jack Daniels, which he didn’t manage to stop this time. I managed to down a bitter mouthful before looking at him when his hand brushed against my cheek.

“I’m going to miss you too Frank. But just…. do me one favor?” He asked softly, resting his forehead against my own.

“Anything.” I whispered softly, the knowledge my lips were in such a close proximity to his own making me willing to do anything as long as he kissed me again.

“Don’t come looking for me.”

The spell seemed to be broken when he said those words and I pulled away from him with a frown on my features, which he seemed to have expected.

“What?”

“Don’t come looking for the rehab center I’m staying at. If I want you to see me I’ll ask Mikey or Alicia to give you the address and all that stuff.”

“So Mikey, Alicia and no doubt your beloved Lyn-z will know where you are but not me?” I asked in disbelief, trying desperately to push him away from me but he refused to move.

“Frank, Listen to me. There is a reason I don’t want you to know where I am until I’m ready. And that is because I’m not going to be a pretty sight while getting off those drugs. I don’t want you seeing me like that.”

“But Mikey and Alicia will know?”

“Mikey’s my brother and Ali’s my sister in law Frank. They have every right to know. And to be honest…. I wouldn’t feel right not letting them know.”

“And me? What am I to you Gee?”

He looked slight uncomfortable at the question and I shook my head as I tried to pry his hands from the edge of the counter so he would move but his grip got tighter until his knuckles were practically white.

“If you’re not going to tell me then let me go,” I said in a slight cold voice that I immediately regretted by the look of hurt that seemed to appear in his eyes. 

“…You’re my lover,” He said quietly, and I met his gaze as a few strands of his black hair fell over his eye but he refused to let go of the counter in case I made an escape.

“And what exactly does that mean Gee? Am I just someone you fuck or do I have an actual part in your life like your wife does?” I asked, brushing his hair out his face for him gently.

“You have a part in my life. You’re the one who understands me more than Lyn-z ever will. You’re the one who makes me weak with your kisses and touches…. but you're also the one I’ve hurt more than I’ve ever hurt anyone else. Which is why I don’t want you coming to look for me,” He said quietly, his hands moving slowly from the edge of the counter in case I suddenly decided to leave and his arms wrapping around my waist.

“But what am I supposed to do while the bands on hiatus? I’m going to go crazy,” I said resting my forehead against his chest as he kissed my head softly.

“I’m sure you’ll come up with something. Ali and Mikey are talking of some family time…and Bob and Ray don’t have much planned either. But the months will just fly past believe me,” he assured me, brushing his hand up and down my bare back.

“What are you going to do?” I asked quietly, trying not to focus too much on the fact that he was going to be away from me.But it seemed like my conscience refused to let go of that little bit of information.

“Work on a couple of comic books I’ve had in the mind for a while but haven’t had the chance to put to paper. Or that was the impression I got anyway,” He said, resting his head on my shoulder as his lips brushed against the tattoo on the side of my neck, my eyes closing at the feeling.

I nodded silently and he sighed against my neck, pulling back to look at me, one of his hands letting go of my back to brush my cheek.

“You feel better now?” he asked quietly, kissing my cheek.

“Not really. But I guess I’ll have to deal with it,” I said, with a small smile as his arms moved from around my waist and let me move away from him. I picked up the Jack Daniels bottle and slid from between his body and the counter to walk back towards my room.

“Oh and Frank.”

I turned around to look at Gerard half way to my room; he was leaned against the counter, with his gaze moving hungrily over my figure that immediately frightened me. After what had happened the last time he fucked me I wasn’t sure I would be able to let that happen again in a hurry.

“Yeah Gee?”

He opened his mouth about to reply when the main door to the suit opened and the other four appeared, Alicia and Mikey freezing at the sight of me and Gerard not far from each other nearly causing Bob and Ray to fall over.

“Everything ok here Frank?” asked Mikey quietly, while Gerard looked at his feet, like merely looking at me in front of the others was forbidden and while the thought hurt I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with it for much longer. But that thought seemed to hurt even more.

“Yeah. I was just getting a drink…I didn’t even realize Gee was here,” I lied with a small smile at the others before turning my back on them and going back to my room. I sat on my bed and downed the remainder of my Jack Daniels, I was about to pick up my guitar when my cell phone ring tone sounded, which caused a frown on my face. I barely ever put the thing on except to talk to Quinn or Bert and even then it was barely ever used. I leaned my back against the headboard and picked up the phone to see a new message from Gerard, which caused my heart to sink into my stomach with part longing and part anxiety.

_'Sneak into my room tonight and I swear we’ll make the most of my last night of freedom.  
<3 Gee'_


	5. Give me all your hopeless hearts that make me ill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alicia tries to make things better but Frank's real feelings immerge, one last night in paradise with Gerard saying the words Frank needed to hear.

The thoughts of what Gerard had in mind seemed to haunt me for the rest of the day, I didn’t come out of my room but spent the time trying to remind myself that this time he wouldn’t be buzzed up, this time he wouldn’t be trying to prove anything but how much he was going to miss me. How much he wanted and needed me. Or that was what I tried to tell myself anyway. But it was so hard when flashes of when he raped me kept coming to mind, my wrists tingled every time that happened and it was like a constant reminder. 

Sure the bruises were starting to fade but that didn’t mean that the emotional scars would disappear that easily. When the day began to turn to night Alicia decided to make another visit, I swear if I wasn’t gay and she wasn’t married we would make a good couple, she sometimes knows just the right things to say and the right times to make sure I’m OK. Though I wasn’t about to admit to her me and Gerard’s plan when she walked in, closing the door softly behind her and sitting on the bed beside me. 

The whole time I’d been thinking of Gerard I’d been writing random lines of lyrics that seemed to spring to mind, I had never been much of a lyricist before this had happened. And yet now it seemed like the only thing I could let myself do. I wasn’t one of those people who could write what they were feeling in a journal, and I sure as hell couldn’t draw. That was why I’d got Gerard to draw all my tattoo designs for me. He really had always had a back door to my mind, even before we had begun to fuck. I just hadn’t realized how much or how much I would grow to rely on it.

“Frank, you going to come out to dinner with us? We’re having it together before you guys go on Hiatus…” she said quietly, brushing some hair out her face as she looked at me questioningly.

“To be honest Ali…. I’m not really that hungry at the moment.” I said with a weak smile, scribbling another random line down on the paper covered in my illegible scrawl.

“It’s because of Gerard isn’t it? Because you won’t get to see him,” She asked understandingly.

“Yeah...you could say that.Besides it’s not like this is going to be forever. I mean, we’ll be getting back together when Gee’s out of rehab right?” I asked, looking at her desperately for reassurance.

“I’m sure that’s the case Frank. But who knows how long it will take for Gerard to get the need for drugs fully out his system? It could be a few months….it could be a year. We just have to prepare for the impossible,” She said with a small smile.

I nodded silently and twirled the pen between my fingers as I rested my head against the wall.

“Frank, I know you’re worried about Gerard but you don’t have to be. He told me and Mikey he’d let us know when he wants to see you….” 

“…But not before he sees Lyn-z right?” I sighed, letting the pen fall between my fingers as my hand rubbed my forehead.

“She’s his wife Frank. She does have that right to see him before his band members.”

“Fuck that. Fuck her! She doesn’t even love him Alicia!” I said, I could feel a sense of hysteria taking me over and Alicia could probably sense to because she put her hand on my arm to comfort me.

“Frank, I know you and Gerard love each other. But he made his decision. He wanted to marry Lyn-z and he wouldn’t have done that unless some part of him loved her. We just have to accept it. Mikey has…. all the others have.”

“Well the others weren’t fucking him for the past two tours were they?!” I asked raking my fingers through my hair.

“No. But they just want Gerard to be happy. If you want that too. Then just accept it.” said Alicia quietly, with a small smile.

“I can’t! I love him Ali! I. LOVE.HIM!”

The hysteria soon gave way to tears. I had never cried as much as I had these past three days before. It was exhausting and I just wanted it all to be over. To just be able to lie in bed and feel completely numb, to not like this all affect me so much. 

Alicia pulled me into a hug and hushed me softly as her hand brushed up and down my back. 

“The best thing to do Frank…. is just enjoy the time you have with Gerard before he goes to San Francisco. That’s why I was wondering about you coming to this dinner. You and Gerard can just be yourselves again. Not have to worry. But if you don’t want to go I understand.” She assured me as she let me go.

“Thanks Ali.” I whispered, brushing tears from my cheeks as she got up.

“I’d better go tell the others you aren’t feeling up to it.” She said with a smile as she walked back towards the door.

“Ali, tell the others they don’t have to cancel on my account. They should have a good time in New York while they can.” I said with a small smile.

“I will.” 

I watched her walk out the room and looked at the pad of writing as I laid on my side, but none of the words on that paper could ever define the sense of loss, the want and love coursing through my veins that would go to waste. I swallowed to stop more tears as I tore the piece of paper off the pad and ripped it into pieces, letting the pieces fall on to the floor as I curled up on my side, staring at the wall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere along the way I fell asleep and when I woke up it was darker than it had been before. I rubbed my eyes as I looked at the clock on the dresser, which read 2am. My eyes widened at the numbers as I got up from the bed and ran my fingers through my hair. My chance to be with Gerard and I’d fallen asleep. That was definitely the stupidest thing I had ever done.

I cursed myself as I walked towards the door. I didn’t hear the TV outside and that was definitely reassuring since usually one of us had a slight insomnia patch. It was like a pass the parcel; it varied from night to night who stayed up. As I cautiously opened the door there was definitely no one there, but as I looked towards the door of Gerard’s room I saw the light was still on and a sense of relief took me over.

I bit my lip as I walked towards his room, pausing to close the door to my room behind me before quickly walking to the door. I softly knocked at the door afraid Alicia or Mikey would hear and wasn’t disappointed hen Gerard opened the door, relief obvious on his face.

He waited until I was in the room and he’d closed the door before speaking.

“I thought you were going to stand me up.” He said with a smile as his hand rested on my cheek.

“Sorry…. I fell asleep….” I said with a weak smile as I kissed his cheek, letting him back me up on to the bed, his lips hovering over mine. Though when I was sitting on the edge of the bed a look of concern appeared on his face and he sat beside me.

“Ali told me at dinner that you got kind of hysterical when she was talking to you before….” He said quietly.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“She said you said you loved me. You’ve never done that before.” 

“A bit late to say it now isn’t it? When you’re married and about to be shipped off to rehab for god knows how long….” I said, trying to hide the bitterness in my voice but it was obviously still there as Gerard bit his lip.

“Frank…. why didn’t you just tell me before?” 

“What and ruin our arrangement? Are you kidding me? Those Wednesdays we fucked were the only time I ever felt needed Gee. Only time I ever felt loved and then it all comes crashing down when _she_ gets in the picture. Because you are obviously one of those assholes who would never _ever_ dare to come out the closet. Never admit that you even fucked another guy! In fact I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing here. What was on your mind isn’t going to make up for what you did! For raping me! For marrying that bitch whose dragging you down with her! She should be the one going to rehab not you!”

Despite the fact my voice was cracking I managed to say every word with out breaking down, my gaze fixed on his face, the urge to get up and pace back and forth was so strong but I didn’t let it take me over. I just looked at him for his reaction, though it wasn’t like I would have expected. There was no look of anger, or disappointment on his face, but instead one of resignation.

“I admit, everything I’ve been doing is stupid Frank. Hurting you…using you…. being untrue both to you, and myself, letting my want for a wife take over everything I have with you. Raping you…. the drug use, maybe those were just ways for me to distance myself from my problems and my feelings. But you have to believe me when I say I didn’t mean to hurt you Frank. Or make you feel so worthless.” He said softy, his hand resting on my cheek as his forehead rested against mine.

I said nothing, keeping my gaze on his lips as opposed to his eyes; afraid he would be able to read the increasing anger and edge building in them.

“But there is one thing I think you should know…one thing that is going to make the next few months more bearable for you. I swear.” He said, his thumb grazing over my skin.

“What’s that?” I asked, reluctantly pulling my gaze from the lips I always wanted to kiss to the eyes that seemed to speak of three words I wasn’t sure he would ever say let alone admit. But he didn’t answer right away, a small smile appearing on his face as his lips moved to my ear, his breath brushing against my neck causing a chill down my spine. My body seemed on edge, waiting for him to say whatever it was.

“I love you too.”


	6. One last thing I beg you please just before you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night in paradise continues...one for reality to kick them back to reality once it's over.

Just hearing him say those words seemed make me breathless not to mention make some part of me ache a little at how close our bodies were. It was so intoxicating. I hadn’t been this close to him in a while…. and that wasn’t including what he had done to me that night. I bit my lip swallowing as I felt his lips brushing the skin under my ear. While my mind was telling me to get away from him, to make him stop my body refused to move at all. Even as his lips moved down my neck and the tip of his tongue began to brush the skin, all I could feel was the need for more. My body practically aching for his skin against mine.

I was fairly surprised when I finally found my voice. Maybe it was to try and kill the mood before anything happened again or maybe to assure myself that he meant it and hadn’t just said it to get into my pants.

“You do?” I whispered breathlessly, my eyes closing as he nipped at my skin teasingly.

“Fuck yes…. I just…. never realized how much before,” he murmured, I could feel his hands moving to the button of my jeans and froze.He pulled back at the tension in my body and looked at me with concern in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. If you don’t want to do this…. I understand,” he said with a small smile though I could tell he wanted it. He wanted it so badly that even though he was only looking at me I could tell he was practically begging me.

“I do…I’m just…a little…. on edge. After last time,” I whispered with a small smile, but even as I mentioned last time he grimaced and looked away.

“I’m so sorry about that.”

“I know. Gee…I know that you weren’t thinking when you did that. I just….I can’t stop thinking about it,” I said quietly, putting my hand on his cheek and making his gaze meet mine.

He bit his lip and I managed to give him a smile as I shifted closer to him on the bed, it felt like I’d had a bucket of freezing cold water thrown over my body each time I looked at him. That same reminder that seemed dead set on making sure I didn’t go ahead with what I wanted. But my mind continued to argue with itself, it was what I wanted. There was no telling how long it would be before I could be with him again. Even when we were back from Hiatus there was still little chance of him coming back to me especially when he had Lyn-z and the image of a straight guy to go back to after Rehab. 

But it was like I was afraid. Not just of the potential for him to rape me, but that even if we were together I would just be a worthless fuck to him. Sure he said he loved me but he needed to prove it as much as I needed to.  
His gaze remained locked with mine for a while, though he seemed a little surprised when I kissed him, his body lying back on the bed as I leaned over his body deepening the kiss despite the fact I needed to breath. 

His arms moved around my neck as I moved my body so I was straddling his lap. In that small space of time I took to get a breath his hands moved to rest on my back, his finger tips grazing over my spine and causing a fresh sense of want to flow through my body. I let my doubts be thrown out the window as I nipped at his lip a little, watching his eyes close. His nails dug into my back as I moved back from him reluctantly, like he didn’t want me to stop kissing him, but I needed his shirt off…. I needed to feel his skin against mine. 

I grimaced little as his nails dug deeper into my back and let my hands move to the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up his torso and pausing a little as he moved his hands above his head and arched his back to make it easier to get off. When it was over his head I threw it to one side and leaned back over his body, letting soft kisses brush against his skin back up to his lips. His back arched even more against the mattress trying to keep his chest in contact with mine. My hands rested either side of his torso as I deepened each kiss with him, just enjoying being the only thing on his mind.

His hands resting on my bare sides pulled me back to reality and I opened my eyes, meeting his gaze as his hands moved slowly down my waist towards the button of my jeans. His fingers hovered over it waiting for me to protest or encourage him, and at that moment protesting was the last thing on my mind. I kissed his lips softly, hoping it would give him a fair clue and it seemed to do just that. His fingers unbuttoned my jeans and slowly unzipped them; deepening the kiss against my lips so much that I was surprised he could even concentrate on multi-tasking. My mind was fixated on the kiss so much that only the feel of cold air against my skin made me realize he’d undressed me. 

I pulled back a little and saw the smile on his face, lust filling his eyes and making them all the more irresistible than they usually were. His hand brushed my cheek as he kissed me again, his hands moving down my body and resting on my waist. His lips moved down my neck as he rolled us over, a sense of breathlessness taking me over as they rested on the pulse spot of my neck, each kiss seemed like an electric shock flowing through my system. A shock, which I had become addicted to in such a short space of time.

My eyes closed and my back arched against the bed, the feeling of his pants against my legs was torture of the worst kind, but to him it didn’t seem to matter, even as my hands rested on the waist band of his pants he still kept kissing my neck, kept his attention on me instead of what his body wanted.  
I soon slid his pants down his body, stopping at the top of his legs when he took over and pushed them down and off his body. The usual intoxicating feeling of his skin against mine took control, even when my hands rested on his waist I couldn’t seem to stop it happening. And part of me was sure I didn’t want it to ever stop.

He slowly moved his body down mine, my hands soon rested on the back of his neck as his lips moved around me, softly sucking and brushing against my arousal, my back arching against the bed at the feeling I had missed for so long, my fingers running through his hair as his tongue teased the head. I couldn’t seem to stop myself from gasping or groaning, I half expected him to tell me to be quiet in case Alicia and Mikey heard but he did nothing of the sort, his hands pinning my hips to the bed as he slowly let me slide down his throat. My hands gripped tightly in his hair as he began to slowly suck and brush his tongue against my length teasingly, like he was trying to remember each feeling and emotion he felt. 

My eyes closed as he began to tease me in his mouth, I couldn’t remember the last time he’d done this to me. Usually it was the other way around and when I’d asked why he’d said something about how I do the best blow jobs. But at that moment I doubt I could do anything that compared to this.I could feel myself getting closer and closer to climax and he could probably tell as he seemed to wait longer and longer for the next move, like he was trying to prolong it which was painful as hell.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore, one last brush of his tongue against me and a groan sounded from between my lips as I came. My fingers let go of his hair as he pulled away; gasping for air yet the sight of him being like that because of me was enough to make me already racing heart ache for more. He slid back up my body, resting his hands either side of my head as his lips met mine, letting me taste myself with every kiss we shared. 

When he pulled back he was still gasping for air but he seemed content, that the lack of air his lungs desperately needed paled in comparison to me and it make me ache a little. Suddenly the reality of what was happening hit me. The truth that there was a chance I could never feel this again, but I refused to let it take me over. 

I kissed him harder, watching his eyes close before he slid off me, I was practically expecting him to pin me to the bed. But that mere thought was more than enough to make me remember what he had done to me that night. It made something in me a little unnerved, but he surprised me like he did before. He rolled off my body and coaxed me so I was on my side, his chest brushing against my back as he kissed the back of my neck. His hand rested on my hip, brushing up and down my side as I looked at him over my shoulder. He gave me a smile and softly brushed his lips against mine before thrusting into me hard, my teeth biting into his lips to silence the groan and string of curses that wanted to immerge from my lips. 

I could tell that part of him was just taking his time, like he had before, enjoying it and making it last. One of those things that we had never had the chance or the time to do before. It had always been rushed so that we hadn’t been caught by anyone. His lips moved away from my own and I let mine brush against his neck, nipping at his neck hard every time he thrust into me to keep the urge to yell out under control. His lips met mine again softly before I heard him murmur my name against them, my eyes closing as his hand brushed up and down my side. 

I soon felt the covers over my body, my head rested on the pillow as his hand rested on my waist pulling me closer.

“Frank….” He whispered, at first I was so worn out that I was sure I’d imagined it.

“Um?”

“I’m going to miss you.”

I heard the light click off and was soon plunge into darkness, biting my lip as I felt his head rest against the back of my neck, his lips brushing against the nape of my neck. And while I know I should have said something….at that moment, when I was in a blissful state of mind after being the guy I loved more than my own existence I didn’t want to let myself be pulled down by the thought that in a few hours he’d be on a plane to the other side of the country.


	7. I'm so dirty babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after, Mikey taking the protective role a bit too far....with a brotherly scuffle, Frank confides in Alicia about what happened and Alicia softly reminds him of his chances with Gerard after rehab. Mikey is reassured by Frank's answer....and the packing begins.

The banging at the door was probably what woke me up. Though it took me a moment to realize where I was. To remember that I was in Gerard’s room, in his bed, naked after fucking him what seemed like a matter of hours ago. I rolled over in bed to look at Gerard; he was rubbing his eyes and looked like he’d barely got any sleep. But when he brushed his hair out his eyes he smiled at me, letting our lips meet for a moment despite the obvious knocking at the door.

It wasn’t until I heard Mikey speaking that I pulled away from the kiss.

“Gerard you dirty bastard!”

“What? What the fuck did I do?” Gerard yelled, giving me a look that said I didn’t have to leave as I slid off the bed and began to gather up my boxers and jeans from the floor.

“You fucking know what you did! You’ve got Frank in there!”

I paused from putting my boxers back on to look at Gerard who’d reluctantly got up and was pulling his own boxers on to prolong the thought of having to talk to his brother.

“What the fuck makes you think that?” Gerard asked, keeping his voice calm and indifferent as he walked to the door, running his fingers through his hair. Though he stopped to take a glance at me over his shoulder when his hand was on the doorknob, like he wanted to make sure I was dressed so Mikey wouldn’t have enough evidence to shout at him anymore than he already was.

“Frank's not in his bed! I’d say that’s more than enough!”

I flinched a little at the gathering irritation in Mikey’s voice and paused a moment to run my fingers through my hair before meeting Gerard’s gaze. He gave me a small smile before opening the door. I had to take a step back because as soon as the door was open Mikey jumped Gerard yelling the longest string of profanities I’d ever heard from his mouth before. I watched helplessly as Gerard was pinned to the ground trying to get Mikey to listen to what he had to say but before I could even try to stop Mikey I heard him yelling Alicia’s name.

She appeared dressed in the overly large Led Zeppelin t-shirt of Mikey’s covering her top half loosely and a pair of sweat pants on her bottom half. As she walked to the door frame she was running her fingers through her hair though she stopped at the sight of her husband wrestling his brother on the ground and yelling at him.

“Mikey what the hell are you doing?!”

“Can you get Frank out of here and help him pack? I need to talk Gerard alone.”

His tone left no room for discussion and I swallowed nervously as I looked at Alicia who opened her mouth to try and talk some sense into Mikey but instead she grabbed my arm and steered me out the room.

She closed the door to Gerard’s room behind me and sighed as she walked towards the kitchen to put the coffee on. I didn’t feel in the mood to pack at that moment knowing what Gerard and Mikey’s fights could get like so I settled myself on a stool at the kitchen counter, resting my head on my hands as I watched Alicia’s movements.

“He didn’t rape me Ali.”

I could tell that that was what she was thinking, but even when I said it didn’t seem to ease up her tension of worry. Even when she put the coffee mug on the counter with two cups for us she still didn’t say anything. The silence was only kept at bay by the odd muffled yelling from Gerard’s room.

“If he didn’t rape you then what were you doing in his room?” she asked quietly, as she sat opposite me at the counter and pushed the plunger down, her gaze watched all the coffee grains floating around.

I opened my mouth a few times to answer but the words didn’t seem to come to mind. I could have just told her I had been fucking with him for the last time, or that he’d told me he loved me. But there was no denying that she wouldn’t explode on me like Mikey was behind that door. But Alicia knew me. She would know if I lied. It was probably best just to tell the truth.

“I admit we had sex Ali…. but it wasn’t empty and meaningless,” I said, quietly as she poured some coffee into the cup I’d picked up and had been playing with between my hands before letting it sit in front of me.

“Was that the reason you didn’t want to go out to dinner last night? Because he’d asked you about it and you hadn’t been able to think of an answer?” she asked, simply pouring herself some coffee and putting the jug on the counter beside me.

“Partly. I also didn’t want to go to dinner because it seemed so final. Like it was the end of the band and I don’t want that to happen,” I said, looking deep into the depths of my coffee to avoid looking into her eyes.

“I see. So when you say you had sex and it wasn’t empty… did he say anything to give you that impression or what?” she asked, I heard her getting up and putting another two cups on the counter, probably for when Mikey and Gerard finally appeared.

“He told me he loved me Ali.”

I looked up to see her reaction and it was definitely as I expected. She paused from closing the cupboard she’d got the cups from and her gaze was moving over my features carefully like she wanted to make sure I wasn’t joking around.

“But you do realize there is a strong possibility that after rehab…. he’ll probably just go back to Lyn-z?” she asked delicately, as she sat back opposite me, like she was expecting another cit of hysteria like the day before. Though the thought dampened my day a little I didn’t let it bother me, my body was still tingling from Gerard’s touch before and I wanted to bathe in that feeling for as long as possible.

“I know.I know there’s a strong chance he won’t want to fuck me again Ali. And if that’s his way then so be it I’ll just have to be man enough to accept it,” I shrugged, taking a sip of my coffee and ignoring the numbing sensation it caused on my tongue.

I watched Alicia smile opposite me, like she could tell I meant every word and there was nothing I ever meant more, though part of me still prayed that he would still want me and only me when he got out of rehab.

I saw her open her mouth to speak some more when the door to Gerard’s door opened and the two of us looked in the direction to see Mikey who was dragging Gerard by the wrist out the room. Though Mikey was the younger of the two it always surprised me how strong or how mature out of the two he was. 

I felt Gerard and Mikey looking at me when they realized I was sat there and bit my lip as I slid off my stool, grabbing my cup of coffee.

“I’m going to go pack if anyone wants me. Thanks for the Coffee Ali,” I said with a kiss on her cheek and a smile before walking towards my room. As soon as I closed the door I heard murmuring behind it and sighed as I put my cup of coffee on the dresser. I knew I needed a shower but at the moment it was better to just get the packing out the way to distract me from the obvious fact that I was being talked about outside.

I picked up my duffel bag from the floor and began to push my stuff inside it, which had slowly begun to spread around the room since we had arrived in New York. I paused every so often when I found something I was going to wear that day and put it to one side. Soon everything was squashed in my duffel bag aside from my outfit for the day, my essentials like my cellphone, wallet and sunglasses, as well as my guitar which I would probably be playing until it was time to go to the airport.

I was about to grab my clothes and go for a shower when the door to my room opened and Alicia gave me a small smile as she beckoned me out the room with a finger which told me I was definitely in for some shit from Mikey. Oh brilliant…. just what I don’t need.

I reluctantly picked up my empty coffee cup and followed her out into the sitting room. Gerard was sat back in his chair that he’d been in the day before, Mikey on the couch though Alicia seemed to hesitate to sit beside Mikey, taking my cup and going into the kitchen to keep herself busy.

I felt the two Way brothers watching me and grimaced a little as I closed the door to my room behind me and sitting in the free chair, picking at the fraying edge of my jeans, reluctant to actual look at my lover or his slightly pissed brother.

“Frank.”

I took a calm breath before looking up at Mikey who was leaning back against the couch, his gaze moving across my skin like he was looking for any evidence that Gerard had in fact raped me again. But the only injuries on my skin were from the last time and I’m sure he knew it.

“Me and Gerard were talking in his room and I want to know what you were thinking even considering fucking him again after what he did to you before?” 

I took a glance at Gerard out the corner of my eye and saw his gaze moving over my features, like he was treasuring every square inch of skin he was looking at before he had to leave.

“I…he…. I can’t explain it Mikey. While what he did before was wrong…. he just…. managed to coax me back to him.”

“Do you really love Gerard as much as he says he loves you?” 

My full gaze moved from Mikey to Gerard, I had never expected him to admit to Mikey that he actually loved me. He seemed to notice my surprise because he gave me a reassuring smile as he nodded silently to confirm it was true.

“Frank?”

I pull my gaze back to Mikey and smiled at the bassist as I got to my feet and walked towards Gerard’s chair. He seemed confused at first, but the confusion cleared on his features as I sat on Gerard’s lap and let my lips graze against his teasingly. I heard a low groan in the back of Gerard’s throat and grinned to myself when I pulled back and looked at Mikey whose irritated expression had now fully disappeared and was merely bemused.

“I do love him Mikey. Probably just as much if not more than he ever loves me,” I smiled, resting my head against Gerard’s chest as he kissed the top of my head softly.

“I figured you’d say that,” sighed Mikey, as he got to his feet.

“Is that it? I had a feeling you were going to intimidate the crap out of him or something,” Gerard said, with a look of confusion at his younger brother.

“Maybe I got all the answers I need and it seems pointless to ask for anymore. Besides, shouldn’t the two or you be getting ready for your flights?” said Mikey slyly, as he walked towards his and Alicia’s room where his wife had just disappeared when she realized that the conversation was going well. 

When I heard the door to Alicia and Mikey’s room slam shut I looked up at Gerard and let my lips meet his again, his hand brushing against my cheek as he deepened the kiss a little, though he soon pulled back for air and I could see some regret in his eyes at the next words he was going to say.

“Mikey’s right. We both need to get ready to leave,” he said quietly, his lips brushing against the tattoo on my neck.

While what he said had hurt I knew he was right and I kissed his cheek before getting out his lap and walking towards my room, even when I felt his gaze moving over my body deep inside I was just treasuring those moments we had together before reality hit me hard in the stomach. Thankfully that hadn’t happened yet, but I knew that when it did it was definitely going to be hell on earth.


	8. Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Packing, a private goodbye, the ride to the airport and being there. The goodbye....and departure. Fin :)

When I reached my room I reluctantly grabbed my clothes and went to get the shower that I had been meaning to get before though unlike before Gerard was constantly in my mind. He was in my mind when I undressed, he was in my mind as the water ran and in my mind as the water flowed down my body. I rested my forehead against the wall and let my aching body try to relax. In the back of my mind I wished he was in there with me, kissing my neck, brushing his hands up and down my torso and thrusting into me hard as he pushed my chest up against the wall. But it was all wishful thinking. Every thought of Gerard was wishful thinkingand just plain painful now. Because though I knew he loved me the whole rehab factor seemed to dampen any happiness that tried to push through me. I didn’t even realize my eyes were closed until I heard the knocking at the bathroom door.

“Frank we have to go in twenty minutes you almost done?”

I opened my eyes and reluctantly pushed myself away from the wall, turning around so my back was to the wall before speaking.

“Yeah, almost.”

My voice seemed to mirror my emotions at that moment, filled with lack of happiness, lack of enthusiasm or even a lack of emotion behind it. It was just a sound that immerged from my lips. Worthless and meaningless. I turned the water off and stood for a moment in the shower letting the cold air hit my skin before picking up a towel and putting it around my waist. I picked up both my dirty and clean clothes and walked out the bathroom to see Gerard sat on my bed, like he wanted a last minute talk before the transport came to take us to the airport. His gaze moved over my body as I threw my clean clothes on my bed beside him and unzipped my duffel bag to push the dirty ones inside it.

“You aren’t even dressed yet.”

There was no teasing tone in his voice merely an observation that caused me to nod silently as I pulled the zip closed and set the bag on the floor, picking up my boxers and pulling them up my body.

“You believe I don’t want to go, don’t you?”

When the boxers were up to my waist I turned to look at him as I took the towel from around my waist and used to dry my hair.

“I know and I will keep that promise you asked me to make….I don’t know how I’ll manage but I’ll find some way,” I said quietly, letting the towel rest around my neck as I pulled my jeans up my legs.

“It’s for the best.”

I buttoned and zipped my jeans, making a grab for my shirt when his hand took mine making our gazes meet for a moment as he brought my hand up to his lips, brushing the back softly and grazing over my knuckles, softly nipping at them like he wanted that to be the feeling I remembered but that wouldn’t be what I remembered. It would be his smile, the way his hair fell over his eye, the way his skin felt against mine, and the way he would nip at my bottom lip when he kissed me. 

Such details were insignificant of course but they would be all that would keep me from breaking my promise to him. From pushing me on to a plane to San Francisco and seeking out every rehab center until I found him. His teeth nipped a little harder at the knuckle of my index finger like he was trying to get me to straighten it, which I did without question. His tongue grazed up the skin of my finger until he reached my fingernail and his hand maneuvered mine until my finger was upright and his teeth dug into my fingernail as his tongue brushed the tip of my finger. My heart ached and raced against my chest as I watched his eyes close, but I really couldn’t take it.

“Stop…. it…. please Gee. Don’t make it any harder for me.”

His eyes opened and his talented mouth moved from my finger as he pulled away, a look of apology and worry on his face as he looked at me. His hand brushed my cheek and that was when I realized there were tears falling down my cheeks. I swallowed as I turned my back to him and pulled my shirt over my head. I wiped the tears away with my hand before running it through my hair. I leaned against the bed as I pulled my socks on and pushed my feet into my shoes, his presence never leaving behind me like he wanted to treasure those moments while he still had them.

Finally I couldn’t postpone looking at him anymore and I reluctantly turned around to look at him as another tear fell down my cheek.

“Don’t cry because of me Frankie…. please.”

His hand rested on my cheek and his thumb brushed the tear away as it grazed over my skin, I could see a look of sadness and misery in his eyes and hated myself for making him feel that way. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, looking down.

“Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? This isn’t your fault Frank.”

“No. I meant sorry for the tears, for making you feel so guilty. You don’t need this on top of flying to San Francisco. The last thing we need is a teary good bye… right?” I asked as I looked back him but even as he nodded I knew he didn’t really agree with anything I had just said.

I was about to ask him about it when someone softly knocked on the door and I heard Alicia softly saying my name, like she wanted to remind me that we had to go but wanted to give me and Gerard the chance to have the time we needed.

“He’ll be out in a sec Ali,” Gerard said, his gaze still fixated on my face as his hand traced my features softly. The feel of his skin against mine was in a way was bad as what he’d been doing to my finger. Making it all the more harder for me to accept that I would have to go without his touch or feel of his lips. 

His lips brushed against my forehead as his arms slid around my waist puling me into a hug. I hugged him tightly as I rested my head on his shoulder and let my lips brush against the side of his neck. I didn’t want to ever let him go.

He reluctantly let me go and waited until I let go of him before pulling away. I felt him watching me as I picked up my duffel bag and guitar, moving slowly towards the door. When I reached it he opened the door for me and I gave him a small smile before walking through it.

All the others were ready, the bodyguards already waiting to escort us to the cars probably waiting to take us to the airport. I kept my gaze on the ground as I heard Gerard closing the door to my room behind him, his presence passing me as he walked towards where he had left his bags on the couch. I could feel Alicia watching me but kept my gaze on the ground, my grip around the neck of my guitar tightening a little at the unfairness of it all. 

Mikey’s voice telling us we needed to go seemed so far away and the others were soon following his lead out the room. My body seemed to refuse to move, my legs detached from my body. It wasn’t until Alicia took my guitar from me and put my arm around her waist that I allowed myself to move. My head rested against her shoulder as we followed the others down the corridor to the lift that one of the bodyguards was holding for us.

The whole ride down to the lobby I felt Gerard’s gaze on my back and leaned a little against Alicia as she and Mikey talked amongst themselves about what they were going to do when they got to St Louis. Ray and Bob were joking around like the disturbance of the tour was normal but it wasn’t. This had never happened before so why did it need to happen now?

The walk through the lobby seemed like a death sentence as the bodyguards surrounded us, even when we reached outside the hotel it didn’t make much difference. I allowed a bodyguard to pry my fingers from the straps of my duffel bag to put in the back and watched Alicia passing them my guitar before she steered me towards the nearest door to the back. She opened the door for me and let me climb in on stiffened legs, my head resting against the window when the door closed. I watched Alicia talking to Mikey, Bob and Ray saying their goodbyes to Gerard since their flights weren’t for a few more hours and they were going to hang around New York a little longer with their bodyguards. 

I looked down at the foot well at my boots and wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry, the urge only minimizing a little when I heard the other back door to the car opened. I heard Alicia murmuring to someone before I felt a familiar body sat beside mine, a strong hand resting on my thigh, softly squeezing it to comfort me. 

I looked up through tear-flooded eyes and saw Gerard giving me a weak smile. Alicia was sat on the other side of Gerard and Mikey had climbed into the front with the driver giving Gerard and me a little more time. But the time seemed to be passing through my fingers like sand, everytime I tried to clasp it in my fists it seemed to disappear faster and I knew soon it would disappear. He’d be on his flight and I’d be sat at my gate, trying to stop myself from crying and living a pathetic existence for the next few months. 

I put my hand on top of Gerard’s on my thigh and rested my head against his shoulder, letting my eyes close as my lips brushed his neck softly, letting the scent of his cologne, cigarette smoke and soap store in the back of my memory for a day when I’d need it. He rested his head on top of mine, softly brushing his lips against my head but while he was wearing sunglasses it didn’t stop me seeing the odd tear of his own falling down his cheeks which I didn’t hesitate to brush away, anything to just feel his skin against my fingers a little more.

The drive to JFK Airport seemed to take less than it had when we arrived from Jersey. Then again none of us had been really talking to Gerard and Lyn-z who had been doing the sickening newly wed thing, a tension flying around in the atmosphere as I had pretty much prayed we would get to the hotel soon. 

But when we reached the airport, Alicia and Mikey handed the two of us our luggage and walked ahead and left us to have the time together, two bodyguards following them into the terminal as they went to check into their flight. Our own bodyguards had kept their gazes off us and on the people around us as we walked into the terminal, lingering a little as fans recognized the two fo us and began to whisper. 

As soon as we joined the queue behind Mikey and Alicia, fans were appearing asking for autographs which the two of us didn’t really feel in the mood to do, but we kept the smiles on our faces as we took the pens, scribbling on bits of paper and making polite conversation, letting our pictures be taken every few minutes until their mothers called out to them and they scampered off into the crowd leaving us to sigh in relief. We edged towards the front of the queue slowly, making the odd excuse to brush our hands against each others without looking suspicious but in the end it wasn’t really worth it.   
Gerard disappeared down the line of check in desks to find his flight with a bodyguard beside him and I sighed as I looked down at the ground, feeling alone and empty. 

Soon a spot opened up at my desk and I reluctantly walked towards it, handing over my guitar and duffel bag, leaving me with a small rucksack as carry on luggage. I did everything they asked, the bodyguard beside me speaking for me when my mind was distracted and soon we were walking into the main airport. We followed Gerard and his bodyguard through security and when we reached the end I managed to catch up with him, putting my hand on his arm.

“Can we just have a coffee or something…alone…before you go to your gate?” I asked, looking pointedly at our bodyguards who nodded wearily.

Gerard took my hand and led me towards the nearest café, the two of us ordering whatever drink came to mind and sitting at a table, our bodyguards sitting not far away but just far enough to give us some space.

I watched Gerard putting sugar in his coffee and reluctantly opened my soda, downing a mouthful though I barely even registered what it tasted like as I looked down at the table. He said nothing for a while and to be honest he didn’t need to. His free hand seemed to be seeking mine out under the table, his fingers interlacing with mine, his thumb brushing over my knuckles as he took a sip of his coffee with his other hand.

I gave his hand a squeeze and gave him a small smile as my hand around my soda just wiped the condensation off the side with my sleeve of my hoodie for something to do. His presence was all I really wanted at that moment, the drink before my eyes was just an excuse for him to be around and if he knew that he didn’t object or let it show. We sat like that for a while, taking the odd sip of our drinks and letting our gazes move over our features every so often. But soon the spell was broken with the sound of a robotic voice over the speakers.

_‘Flight 369 to San Francisco is now boarding at gate five. Would all passengers please have their boarding passes ready.'_

Gerard bit his lip as he downed the rest of his coffee, but his hand made no sign of letting go of mine, instead he tightened his grip a little. He put his empty cup down and got to his feet, his gaze on me as though silently begging me to come with him.

“We need to go Gerard.” 

The bodyguards had appeared from their table at the sound of the announcement and I watched Gerard look at them and nod before looking back at me. I gave him a small smile as I got to my feet, picking up the bottle with the remainder of my soda in it. I let the bodyguards walk ahead of us, me and Gerard walking together trying to grasp desperately on to the last few moments we could have together.

When we reached the gate Mikey and Alicia were stood, having obviously waited to say goodbye to Gerard. Neither of them seemed surprised to see me with him and I gave the two a small smile as I slid my hand out of Gerard’s to give him the chance to hug his brother and sister in law goodbye.

It really was a touching sight. Him and Mikey patting each other on the back, him and Alicia murmuring amongst themselves about something before pulling away. The two exchanged a look before Gerard led me to one side, the two of them still standing there like they were waiting for me.

“Frank. I’m really going to miss you. Don’t forget that ok? I love you and I swear we’ll be back on tour together with in the next year at the most,” he whispered, his hand brushing over my cheek.

I nodded silently and felt the back of his hand brushing my cheek, I looked at his face wanting to see the emotion in his eyes but he’d put his sunglasses on so all I could see was a reflection of my own heartbroken expression. He kissed my forehead and paused before kissing my lips softly, edging slowly towards the gate, our finger tips still cupped together for a moment before his fingers went flat and he let himself walk away towards the gate. 

I stood and watched as him and his bodyguard got into the queue, the airhostess noticing and beckoning the two forward. My heart felt like it was breaking in my chest as he handed over his boarding pass and walked through the doors that led to board the plane. When his black head disappeared in the crowd, I looked down at the ground and felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Come on Frank, let’s get you to your gate,” whispered Alicia softly, putting her arm around my shoulder in a motherly way. I didn’t look up or even try to object, just let her manipulate my shell of a body. I felt numb, dead in side and I had never realized how alive he actually made me feel before. But of course it was a bit late when he was on a plane to the other side of the country. 

As Alicia and Mikey forced conversation with me on the way to my gate all I could hear in my head was those three words he’d said, the most powerful three words that mattered more than anything else I had ever experienced before in the world. The words that would keep me hanging on and filled with hope for the next few hours, next few days, next few weeks, next few months until I saw him again. 

_‘I love you’_

[A/N: That is in fact the end boys and girls. Not the ending I had in mind admittedly but now because of a long as comment on my last chapter I can't help but wonder if a Sequel is in order? I'm leaving it up to you guys to tell me what you think. It'll still be Ferard centered, from Gee's Pov while he's in Rehab. Either way tell me what you think and if it would spoil the impact of this ending or not. Anyway thanks to all of you that commented, hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing <3]


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